Today is a sad day for me and also a day of reflection. Last night a little girl named Kayleigh Anne passed away and my heart breaks. She was the same age as Sierra (almost 11 months). She was born weighing 1 lbs. 1 ounce and has never left the hospital. It was her parent's dream to bring her home to be a family with their other children but they never got the chance. I have been following their blog they created for Kayleigh for a couple months now and I would anxiously await each post to see how little Kayleigh was doing. She was a miracle in every sense of the word...beating all odds until now. And her parents seem amazing...strong in their faith in God's plan for their little girl and for their family. Even now with Kayleigh recently going to be with God their words are so encouraging to others and exude so much strength. I am sure that is not how they are feeling and that God is providing their strength in this difficult time but I am amazed by them still.
So as Kayleigh's journey has unfolded I have been asking myself many questions. I feel completely heartbroken by the passing of a little girl whom I have never met. I would like to go to NC and hug both of her parents and let them know what an impact Kayleigh's story has had on me. Her life has taught me about hope, struggle, communication, the blurry lines in medicine, and so much more. Mostly, she has taught me about faith in God and in His plan...to believe in God's plan even when others tell you differently or think the plan should be their own. I have never met these people and yet I am crying for them, smiling for them, praying for them, cheering for them, hoping for them, and hurting for them. And I am wondering why I am so wrapped up by this. I am wondering if I can possibly take care of sick children day after day during my residency training and beyond without becoming so emotionally drained from really connecting with each child and family. Because that is who I am...I don't have it in me (at least I don't think so) to take care of a child without praying for them and truly caring for them. Can I be a good pediatrician without doing that? I don't think I can. Can I be a good pediatrician while connecting in a true way and caring in a deep way with the children and families I come across? I hope so.
I do believe there is a balance in all things in life. Some advice that was given to me as a medical student was to not feel sympathetic but instead empathetic for those you have the privilege of taking care of as a physician. I think about that a lot. I believe that is good advice...to feel empathy for others and to lift them up in their time of need. I don't usually feel sorry for others...I think that God has a plan for everyone and I take comfort in that. I know He has a plan for my life and for everyone else's life that is beyond our comprehension and beyond our control. Each child and family I encounter will not be by accident. How awesome is that! And Kayleigh's life was not an accident...it was all planned. It was His plan for her to come into this world at 1 lbs. and for her to leave to go home yesterday.
I'm confident in one thing...I will not make it through residency with dry eyes. I will cry with my patients and with their families. I will also rejoice with them, pray with them, celebrate with them, and process life with them. I will grow as they grow. I promise to them to be present in the moment with them...to feel things with them and not grow numb. I hope and pray this approach will help me become a wonderful pediatrician for many children and families. And for Kayleigh, I will think of her often when I am caring for others remembering the struggles and triumphs of her short but glorious life that has touched so many. I have learned from her story and I intend to pay that forward. She has changed me and so many others for the better and that is such a tribute to her. As I begin my journey in pediatrics I will pray for her and for her family and I will be thinking of her. Someday I hope to meet her in heaven.
